Helping Siblings Cope With Loss

When a child loses a sibling, the impact reaches far beyond what most people see. More than 500,000 children in the U.S. lose a sibling or close family member every year, according to the Children’s Bereavement Estimation Model by Judi’s House and the New York Life Foundation. And yet, their grief often goes unrecognized, overshadowed by the pain of grieving parents or the visible absence of the lost child.

Siblings experience loss in intensely personal ways. One child might cry openly, while another withdraws. Some may act out, others may seem unaffected at first. Their responses often depend on age, personality, family dynamics, and how adults around them process grief. For caregivers, navigating this landscape while also grieving themselves can feel overwhelming.

This guide was created to help. It offers practical, compassionate strategies for understanding sibling grief and supporting each child where they are—emotionally, developmentally, and individually. In the sections ahead, we’ll break down common grief responses by age, share tools for communication, and suggest meaningful ways to involve children in remembrance and healing.

Why Sibling Grief Is Complex and Often Overlooked

Sibling grief often goes unnoticed, not because it’s shallow, but because it hides behind silence, behavior changes, or even smiles. When a child loses a brother or sister, they aren’t just mourning a person, they’re also navigating the disruption of their daily world. The emotional weight is real, but the signs don’t always look the way adults expect.

Grieving While “In the Shadow” of Parental Loss

After a loss, most attention naturally shifts to the parents, especially when the deceased child was young. This focus, though understandable, can unintentionally leave surviving siblings feeling invisible. Children may hesitate to show sadness, fearing they’ll make things harder for their parents. Others might act unusually well-behaved or overly cheerful, trying to “fill the gap” or avoid becoming another source of pain.

The result? Their grief can become buried beneath the pressure to be strong, quiet, or low-maintenance. When adults are overwhelmed by their own sorrow, a sibling’s emotional needs may go unspoken and unmet, not due to lack of love, but due to exhaustion or distraction.

Layers of Loss: Relationship, Routine, and Identity

Grieving a sibling means grieving more than just their absence. It’s also about missing shared routines—like bedtime chats, car rides, or inside jokes. Even simple daily moments can leave lasting echoes.

Many children also lose part of their identity. If they were “the little brother,” who are they now? If the sibling was their best friend or main playmate, where does that connection go? Some kids feel guilt for surviving or worry that their role in the family has changed in a way they can’t explain.

This layered grief, emotional, social, and internal, makes sibling loss uniquely complex. Recognizing it is the first step to supporting it. Next, we’ll explore how those layers show up differently depending on a child’s age and stage of development.

Age-Specific Grief Responses in Siblings

Children don’t grieve the way adults do, and their responses vary widely depending on age and developmental stage. While adults often expect to see sadness or tears, grief in children can show up as confusion, defiance, or silence. Understanding what grief looks like in different age groups helps caregivers meet each child’s emotional needs with greater clarity and compassion.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2–5)

Young children don’t grasp the permanence of death. They may ask the same questions over and over, not because they forget, but because they’re still trying to understand what loss means.

Grief at this age often shows up as:

• Increased clinginess
• Regression in behaviors (e.g., bedwetting, thumb-sucking, speech delays)
• Irritability or tantrums
• Sleep disruptions
• Magical thinking (believing their thoughts or actions caused the death)

They need simple, concrete explanations and lots of physical comfort. Consistent routines help provide a sense of stability, while gentle repetition and reassurance let them know they’re safe, even when things feel different.

School-Age Children (Ages 6–12)

By elementary school, children begin to understand that death is permanent. But they may still struggle to process the emotional reality of it, especially if they feel responsible in some way.

Grief in this group may surface as:

• Guilt or self-blame (“I fought with them the day before they died”)
• Angry outbursts or defiance
• Withdrawal from friends or family
• Trouble concentrating in school
• Changes in appetite or sleep

They often benefit from talking through what happened, especially in honest, age-appropriate language. Keeping open lines of communication, while also watching for signs of overwhelm, helps them express feelings without fear of “burdening” adults.

Teenagers

Teen grief is shaped by a complex mix of emotions, including anger, numbness, and existential questioning. Unlike younger children, teens are more aware of the emotional impact on the family, but that awareness can lead them to internalize pain.

Grieving teens might:

• Withdraw socially or emotionally
• Engage in risk-taking or rebellious behavior
• Avoid talking about the death altogether
• Express sadness through creative outlets (writing, music, art)
• Struggle with identity, belonging, or guilt

Because teens value independence, they often resist forced conversations. They may need quiet support, space to process, and nonjudgmental adults who check in without pushing. Trust and consistency are key.

Practical Ways to Support Grieving Siblings

Supporting grieving siblings takes more than comfort, it requires attentiveness to how each child processes loss in their own way. Children often lack the vocabulary to explain what they’re feeling, so adults need to offer steady, creative ways to help them feel seen, safe, and understood. Below are practical, compassionate approaches families can use to support their children, together and individually.

Encourage Open, Ongoing Conversations

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Children may ask questions days, weeks, or even months after a loss, often the same questions again and again. That’s not a sign they’re stuck. It’s how they make sense of something as overwhelming as death.

Use clear, age-appropriate language. Avoid euphemisms like “they went to sleep” or “they’re in a better place,” which can confuse or frighten young children. Instead, say things like, “They died, and that means their body stopped working and they can’t come back.”

Let children lead the pace of conversation. Some may want to talk often; others will process quietly. What matters most is keeping the door open. Let them know it’s okay to bring up the loss, on good days, bad days, or even when they don’t know exactly what they’re feeling.

Respect Differences in Grieving Styles

Grief can look very different from one sibling to another. One child might cry loudly and seek hugs. Another may act like nothing happened and bury themselves in school or screen time. Both responses are normal.

Avoid labeling any reaction as “wrong” or “too much.” Children don’t grieve on a timetable, and some may not show visible signs of grief for weeks. What seems like indifference can actually be deep emotional processing beneath the surface.

Don’t compare one child’s grief to another’s. Saying things like “your sister is handling this better” can unintentionally shame a child who’s struggling. Instead, acknowledge each child’s feelings as valid, no matter how they express them.

Create Rituals and Memory Projects Together

Shared rituals give siblings a sense of connection, not only with the loved one they lost, but with each other. These moments don’t have to be formal or elaborate. What matters is consistency and intention.

Here are a few meaningful ideas:

• Memory boxes: Let each child decorate a box and fill it with drawings, photos, or small items that remind them of their sibling.
• Tribute art: Invite children to draw pictures, write poems, or paint scenes that reflect their feelings or memories.
• Planting something together: A flower, tree, or small garden can serve as a living memorial that grows with them.

These projects give children something tangible to hold ont, —a way to channel emotion into something meaningful and restorative.

Maintain Routine While Allowing Flexibility

After a death, everyday life often feels chaotic. Restoring a basic routine helps children feel anchored, even as emotions continue to shift.

Stick to familiar meal times, bedtimes, and school rhythms as much as possible. Predictability helps children regain a sense of safety.

At the same time, allow space for flexibility. Some days, a child might need a break from activities or homework. Others might want to dive into normal life as a distraction. Follow their lead, and don’t be afraid to slow things down when necessary.

When and How to Seek Outside Help

While many children work through grief naturally with time, guidance, and support, some need more structured help. Knowing when to involve a professional can make the difference between prolonged suffering and meaningful healing. Grief that feels stuck, escalates into distressing behaviors, or begins to affect everyday life shouldn’t be dismissed as something they’ll “grow out of.” Recognizing the warning signs early gives children the chance to heal in a safer, supported way.

Red Flags That Signal a Need for Counseling

Most children will experience a wide range of emotions after losing a sibling—sadness, confusion, anger, even guilt. These feelings often come and go. But when the intensity lingers or the grief takes on harmful forms, it’s time to look deeper.

Watch for signs like:

• Persistent withdrawal from family, friends, or once-loved activities
• Ongoing aggression, mood swings, or frequent outbursts beyond what’s typical
• Regression in behavior (e.g., bedwetting, baby talk) that doesn’t resolve after several weeks

• Changes in sleep or eating patterns that interfere with daily functioning
• Self-harm or expressions of wanting to disappear, run away, or be with the deceased
• Excessive guilt, especially if the child believes they caused the loss or could have prevented it

These behaviors are more than temporary emotional responses. They may signal complicated grief, trauma, or underlying mental health concerns, and should never be ignored.

Finding Therapists or Support Groups for Siblings

Once you notice these signs, reaching out to the right professionals becomes critical. Pediatricians are often the first point of contact—they can rule out medical concerns and help families take the next step.

Here are trusted paths worth exploring:

• Child grief therapists: Specialists trained in play therapy, trauma-informed care, and grief work for young people
• Peer support groups: Virtual or in-person spaces where children connect with others who’ve experienced sibling loss
• Grief camps: Programs like Camp Erin or Comfort Zone Camp provide immersive, activity-based healing for grieving children and teens

School counselors and social workers can also offer support or direct you to local resources. Many schools are connected to community agencies that work with grieving families and may offer sliding-scale options or free programming.

Involving the Surviving Sibling in Memorial Activities

Including surviving siblings in memorial activities can offer them more than just comfort, it gives them agency in a time when everything feels out of their control. Participation reminds them that their voice matters, their grief is seen, and their bond with their sibling doesn’t vanish. When handled gently and thoughtfully, these small acts can offer profound healing.

Age-Appropriate Roles in Funerals or Memorials

Children don’t need to be shielded from funeral or memorial events—they need options that let them show up in ways that feel right for them. Let them choose if and how they’d like to participate. They may want to contribute something meaningful without being the center of attention.

Here are some roles that feel manageable and meaningful:

• Choosing a photo of their sibling to display
• Lighting a candle in their memory during the service
• Reading a letter, poem, or message, with support if needed
• Placing flowers or drawings near the casket or memorial table
• Sharing a memory privately or through a note read by someone else

There’s no need to push for public displays of grief. Even quiet contributions can help them feel included and valued.

Creating Keepsakes That Involve Their Voice

Personalized keepsakes allow children to stay connected to their sibling in ways that are creative and concrete. Giving them space to contribute to these items can shift their role from passive mourner to active memory-keeper.

Honor You offers a range of customizable memorial products designed to honor unique family bonds. Consider these ideas for involving the child directly:

• Prayer cards that include a quote the sibling chose or a short message they wrote
• Memorial bookmarks featuring the child’s artwork or a favorite photo they picked
• Folded programs or thank-you cards that include shared stories or “favorite things” the siblings loved doing together

These keepsakes don’t just help others remember the sibling, they help the surviving child remember that their role as a sibling still matters. That continuity, even after loss, is often what makes healing possible.

Supporting Grieving Siblings Long-Term

Grief doesn’t end after the funeral, and for children, it often reappears in new ways as they grow. What seems like a calm period may shift months, or even years ,later as their understanding deepens. Long-term support isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about staying present, paying attention, and making space for their emotions to evolve.

Anniversaries, Holidays, and Birthdays

Significant dates often reopen wounds. A sibling’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, or the first holiday without them can stir up complex feelings, sadness, confusion, even guilt for enjoying the day.

Rather than avoiding these moments, prepare for them together:

• Talk about the day ahead of time. Ask how they’d like to honor their sibling or if they’d rather keep things low-key.
• Create a gentle ritual. Light a candle, write a message, cook their sibling’s favorite meal, or visit a shared memory spot.
• Give permission for joy. Let them know it’s okay to laugh, celebrate, or enjoy the day, even with grief still present.

These moments are not just painful, they’re also opportunities for remembrance, love, and continued connection.

Keeping the Conversation Open as They Grow

A child’s grief isn’t one moment. It’s something they’ll revisit with each new stage of development. A five-year-old who didn’t grasp death’s finality may revisit that loss with new depth at ten, and again at sixteen.

Check in regularly, even when they seem “fine.” Ask open-ended questions that give them room to share:

• “Have you been thinking about your sibling lately?”
• “Does anything feel different now than it used to?”
• “Is there anything you want to do to remember them this month?”

Don’t wait for a crisis or a visible breakdown. Quiet grief can be just as present as loud emotions. Let them know that grieving out loud, or silently, is welcome in your home, no matter how much time has passed.

Conclusion

Sibling grief often lives in quiet corners, unspoken, misread, or mistaken for something else entirely. Yet the absence of a brother or sister can leave a lasting mark that ripples through a child’s daily life, relationships, and sense of self. It doesn’t always show up in ways adults expect, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

The most powerful thing you can offer is presence. You don’t need perfect words or constant solutions—just consistency, empathy, and room for each child to grieve in their own way. When you listen closely, create rituals together, and revisit memories without rushing to fix the pain, you help a child feel seen and safe.

Support doesn’t end after the service. Look for ways to check in often, especially around milestones and emotional anniversaries. If a child’s grief becomes overwhelming or confusing, don’t hesitate to seek outside help from professionals who understand sibling loss in children.

And when they’re ready, involving them in creating something lasting, a prayer card with their words, a keepsake they helped design, can become part of the healing. Memorials made with intention don’t just honor the one who died; they comfort the one left behind.